I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
