why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
