I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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