I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Someone came in the potted fern
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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