I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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