remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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