ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
