The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
