He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
