Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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