I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
