someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
