Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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