Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
