cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
