Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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