I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
