ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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