I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
