I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
