I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
