my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
