My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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