Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
