The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
