I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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