I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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