she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
