I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
