woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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