Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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