I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
