My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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