i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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