it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
