I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
