There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
