you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
