Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
