I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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