Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
