Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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