Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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