Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
