Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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