I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
