he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
