pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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