I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
