well I can't set my house on fire every night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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