His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
