You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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