Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
