He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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