I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We are two peas in an std pod
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
