I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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