I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
