Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
